I dont even know what to call this

I had a REALLY bad night.

I feel like crap this morning.

I am officially over the “at least he’s working” silver lining.  And its only day #4 of 14 that he’s gone this time.

I honestly don’t know how much longer I can do this.

It’s really not what I signed up for.

I think this is probably the most alone I’ve felt in all the years we’ve been married.  It sucks to say the least.

All I wanted was some comfort. Even just a  “It’s all going to be okay” or “we’ll make it through.” Something…. anything……..

What did I get?

Silence.

He didn’t say a word.   He just sat there and listened to me cry.  He didn’t know what to say. So he just said nothing.

That made me feel worse than he could ever imagine. 

Alone. Angry. Sad. Mostly Alone.

I get that he had a bad day. I get that he was tired.

I had a bad day. I was tired.

But, he got to just go to sleep. I have to deal with a toddler in the midst of some seriously terrible twos.. who took a late nap, who didn’t want to go to sleep.. who seems to think I’m her personal punching bag/afternoon snack… and all she wanted to do was hang on me/kick me/lay on me…

Which I absolutely could not deal with at all last night.

I seriously locked myself in the bathroom twice because she would not stop touching me.  It was driving me so insane I just couldn’t deal. 

I think I sobbed more hysterically than i have ever sobbed in my life.

I’m so tired. I’m so lonely. I didn’t have anyone else that i could vent to last night. I think that made it all worse.

It was too late to call M, R is off sailing the 7 seas for 10 days, I tried texting my sister.. all I got was one word answers so I felt like she was doing something else. I thought about reaching out to brother in laws girlfriend, but I don’t know if we are at that point in our relationship yet.

UGH.

And this morning is not looking up at all either.

My darling toddler is being more stubborn and defiant than yesterday.

I don’t know where I am going to find the strength to cope.

I just want to crawl in bed and cry.. or sleep. Sleep would be good.

Sigh.

Oh, and I started a diet on Monday and all I want to do is eat. Well, eat all the Halloween candy. Stupid, stupid Halloween candy.

I guess I should go try to occupy my brain with something. I need to not think for a while. I’m tired of thinking.

I really want to call and tell my husband whats what.. but I know that will do me no good while he’s at work. ugh.

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2 responses to “I dont even know what to call this

  1. Keep breathing…breathe through each moment. Draw in the Source and exhale all that troubles, all that distracts.
    You are a smart, wonderful, funny woman.
    Life can be rough…but try to remember that no one else is responsible for your happiness…only you. 🙂
    be well, and I hope I didn’t come off as all preachy–I have been in the same boat…
    a lot. 🙂
    jane

    • Thank you Jane! And i don’t think you were preachy at all. I really do appreciate your advice. I definitely had a much better day today!

      Is it bad/weird/strange that I thought of you when I had to kill a spider tonight? 😉
      Hope all is well! thanks again!

      Erica

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